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An yet again… I got up from the church altar floor and could not find salvation. 
 
It was a Friday night, the last night of youth week in 2016.  I remember Pastor Hain walking by me telling me not to give up and to keep seeking the Lord.  At that moment, I felt defeated.  I had given the Lord every sin I had done – but it didn’t seem to be enough.  The song, “O Gentle Saviour - do not pass me by,” kept playing in my heart.  I wanted salvation, but just couldn’t get it...
The next morning the Lord KICKED down that last door!!  When I had lost all hope, the Lord finally showed me what I had grieved Him on.  What a great God!
That morning I had started praying, not because I was looking for salvation.  I had started praying because I wanted the Lord’s help.  I struggled with intimacy with my husband and didn’t want to shy away from his touch yet again.  This had been a great tension in my marriage.  In that moment the LORD showed me I didn’t trust Him at all.  In that moment he showed me that even as a small child of 3 or 4 years old, when I laid in bed crying for my dad (because he had not showed up again), The Lord was there.  In 2nd Corinthians 6:18 it says he is a father when even my earthly father could or would not be! (I do love my dad… I know he struggles).
From a small child I learned you couldn’t trust adults.  They would not protect you or keep you safe.  I came into adulthood with that mistrust of everyone; including God.  Honestly, I didn’t think he would do anything for me.  However, He just showed me that morning that I could REALLY bring my cares and burdens to Him and He would listen.  (Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light).  It was like He said, “You can pick up that phone and I will be on the other end!  I have always loved you!  Even when people I set over you failed; I was there.  When men were man-handling you as a young child and groping you; I was there.  When the adults wouldn’t believe you and told you there was a time and place to tell secrets I had long kept; I was listening and holding you.”
That morning I stumbled from my bed and made it to our bathroom (the only private room in our trailer).  I remember just weeping on my knees over the toilet….years of sin and sorrow pouring out.  I was rejoicing over how a great God we serve!  Just realizing I no longer had to go through this alone!  That morning when I left the bathroom I found my husband sitting on the couch reading his bible.  I remember just laying my head on his chest and feeling safe there for the first time ever.
For so long I believed I would never find salvation.  I just couldn’t get it.  It was so frustrating hearing others talk about a moment in time when they met with the LORD and He showed them and saved them.  Pastor would say, “Your salvation would match the bible.”  This always confused me because I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
On July 2nd 2016 it all became very clear.  It was like a door had been unlocked in my brain.  Salvation became a clear moment and it aligned perfectly with my bible!  It was a small moment in time when God and I met together.  He showed this most unworthy sinner what I had done to grieve Him and he saved me.  Oh how great a day it was!!

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