An yet again… I got up from the church altar floor and could not find salvation.
It was a Friday night, the last night of youth week in 2016. I remember Pastor Hain walking by me telling me not to give up and to keep seeking the Lord. At that moment, I felt defeated. I had given the Lord every sin I had done – but it didn’t seem to be enough. The song, “O Gentle Saviour - do not pass me by,” kept playing in my heart. I wanted salvation, but just couldn’t get it...
The next morning the Lord KICKED down that last door!! When I had lost all hope, the Lord finally showed me what I had grieved Him on. What a great God!
That morning I had started praying, not because I was looking for salvation. I had started praying because I wanted the Lord’s help. I struggled with intimacy with my husband and didn’t want to shy away from his touch yet again. This had been a great tension in my marriage. In that moment the LORD showed me I didn’t trust Him at all. In that moment he showed me that even as a small child of 3 or 4 years old, when I laid in bed crying for my dad (because he had not showed up again), The Lord was there. In 2nd Corinthians 6:18 it says he is a father when even my earthly father could or would not be! (I do love my dad… I know he struggles).
From a small child I learned you couldn’t trust adults. They would not protect you or keep you safe. I came into adulthood with that mistrust of everyone; including God. Honestly, I didn’t think he would do anything for me. However, He just showed me that morning that I could REALLY bring my cares and burdens to Him and He would listen. (Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light). It was like He said, “You can pick up that phone and I will be on the other end! I have always loved you! Even when people I set over you failed; I was there. When men were man-handling you as a young child and groping you; I was there. When the adults wouldn’t believe you and told you there was a time and place to tell secrets I had long kept; I was listening and holding you.”
That morning I stumbled from my bed and made it to our bathroom (the only private room in our trailer). I remember just weeping on my knees over the toilet….years of sin and sorrow pouring out. I was rejoicing over how a great God we serve! Just realizing I no longer had to go through this alone! That morning when I left the bathroom I found my husband sitting on the couch reading his bible. I remember just laying my head on his chest and feeling safe there for the first time ever.
For so long I believed I would never find salvation. I just couldn’t get it. It was so frustrating hearing others talk about a moment in time when they met with the LORD and He showed them and saved them. Pastor would say, “Your salvation would match the bible.” This always confused me because I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
On July 2nd 2016 it all became very clear. It was like a door had been unlocked in my brain. Salvation became a clear moment and it aligned perfectly with my bible! It was a small moment in time when God and I met together. He showed this most unworthy sinner what I had done to grieve Him and he saved me. Oh how great a day it was!!
It was a Friday night, the last night of youth week in 2016. I remember Pastor Hain walking by me telling me not to give up and to keep seeking the Lord. At that moment, I felt defeated. I had given the Lord every sin I had done – but it didn’t seem to be enough. The song, “O Gentle Saviour - do not pass me by,” kept playing in my heart. I wanted salvation, but just couldn’t get it...
The next morning the Lord KICKED down that last door!! When I had lost all hope, the Lord finally showed me what I had grieved Him on. What a great God!
That morning I had started praying, not because I was looking for salvation. I had started praying because I wanted the Lord’s help. I struggled with intimacy with my husband and didn’t want to shy away from his touch yet again. This had been a great tension in my marriage. In that moment the LORD showed me I didn’t trust Him at all. In that moment he showed me that even as a small child of 3 or 4 years old, when I laid in bed crying for my dad (because he had not showed up again), The Lord was there. In 2nd Corinthians 6:18 it says he is a father when even my earthly father could or would not be! (I do love my dad… I know he struggles).
From a small child I learned you couldn’t trust adults. They would not protect you or keep you safe. I came into adulthood with that mistrust of everyone; including God. Honestly, I didn’t think he would do anything for me. However, He just showed me that morning that I could REALLY bring my cares and burdens to Him and He would listen. (Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light). It was like He said, “You can pick up that phone and I will be on the other end! I have always loved you! Even when people I set over you failed; I was there. When men were man-handling you as a young child and groping you; I was there. When the adults wouldn’t believe you and told you there was a time and place to tell secrets I had long kept; I was listening and holding you.”
That morning I stumbled from my bed and made it to our bathroom (the only private room in our trailer). I remember just weeping on my knees over the toilet….years of sin and sorrow pouring out. I was rejoicing over how a great God we serve! Just realizing I no longer had to go through this alone! That morning when I left the bathroom I found my husband sitting on the couch reading his bible. I remember just laying my head on his chest and feeling safe there for the first time ever.
For so long I believed I would never find salvation. I just couldn’t get it. It was so frustrating hearing others talk about a moment in time when they met with the LORD and He showed them and saved them. Pastor would say, “Your salvation would match the bible.” This always confused me because I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
On July 2nd 2016 it all became very clear. It was like a door had been unlocked in my brain. Salvation became a clear moment and it aligned perfectly with my bible! It was a small moment in time when God and I met together. He showed this most unworthy sinner what I had done to grieve Him and he saved me. Oh how great a day it was!!